The Bitter Homo Chronicles

.The Stever in all his chaotic, dysfunctional, & consistently dramatic tales of wonder & woe = life

2005-02-19T15:44:18Z

I most certainly have prolonged my neglect with respect to selectively updating my journal for my own personal records and for those interested in reading up on the dramatic ongoings characteristic of my life. right.

There is much to say, however, I am forced to put my full update on hold while I prepare the Stever for another day rocking it at FCUK.

For now I attach these following words to the world wide web and hope to detail the unfamiliar occurences and traditional dramatic episodes that my life has comprised of.

This poem documents the movement from an unrequited love that created more trouble and hurt (not to mention severe emotional brokeness - SO BROKEN - RUINED - GET A NEW ONE)than elation and euphoria that one would associate with someone you love - to a love so dynamic, intangible, overwhelming, but entirely true.

*Closed Door – Open Window*

Stalemate lovers
Trying to break free
Shackles of the past
Enslaved to a dream

Time and distance
Lovers neutralized
The delicate dance is over
Severed emotional ties - lies

Closed door
Opened window

Exchanging glances
Scrutinizing eyes
One dancing around the other
Hypnotized

And then – words
The exchange
Impulses raging
The conversation
All too engaging

Thoughts collide
Like diamonds from the inside
Sharing my core
The wealth

My defenses are down
What hope was lost -
Now found

The reciprocation of our insecurities

Alas, I must depart for the working world with great haste leaving this update a vague and meagre detailing of the Stever's life. However, I shall reignite the flame responsible for this update and continue my rants, tangents, and discussions of the life to which the Stever subscribes.

Until then,

.END COMMUNICATION.

The Stever.

.Valium Haze Retrospect.

2005-01-04T01:46:56Z

Written at 5am on January 3rd, 2005.

...LIVE...
This insatiable hunger
Hunting for survival
Sustenance –
Body
Mind
Soul

Double lives and alternate realities
Free-form exploration
Under a fascist regime

Cleanliness is godliness
I am no god
But I live
Life

Changing the forever
And forever changing
Intangible dreams of grandiose things
Floating – never settling

Hope and the belief that
Change is our hope and salvation
Infinitely united

Maps to tracks
Buses and trains
It all remains – the same,
But forever altered

Old questions
New panoramic views
Of the universal oneness
That is life.

The broken dreams of my fellow man
A testament to this universality

The fragility binds us,
Conditions us towards our paths –
Many lined with the shattered hopes
Of those long lost

Do not falter.

Make use of the hopeful refuse in all its broken glory,
For it is in the broken from which we come.

We the people are the product of failure, defeat, and success.
United in the balance that is to be found in all things.

This double-sided coin is ours to flip.
Why not both sides now?

More questions,
No answers…
Just LIVE.
----------------------------------------
RIGHT.

So I'm so gaycore it hurts - *high five*

The Stever.

allsteve @ 2005-01-03T01:22:00

2005-01-03T06:19:34Z

*The Game of Life*

Memories forgotten – unearthed – and retrieved
Depression
Repression
Exhausted from life – love
I believed…

In you and myself
Within I found the wealth
Experience -
Courage juxtaposed to fear

Retrospective
Introspective
Examination of a life worth living
Journey into the bowels of the self

And another year moves in
An additional chance to win
The race –
The game of life

--------------------------------
Right.

So FUCK 2004 and I says, holy 2005 homos!

There is much updating to be done on this past weekend and all the zany homo antics that went down. The Stever was in London with Paige and company ringing in the jew year.

OI VEY.

The pictures will rule all.

*high five*

The Stever

.My Own Personal Christmas Story.

2004-12-25T15:56:28Z

Jingle Bells
Retail Smells
Shoppers are the worst

I'm so broke
It is no joke
I had to sell dvds!

Twas' the day before XXX-mas and up in the bank, Steve Massa's account had ended up RANK. So he ran down to Bloor to sell like a whore, to get money to purchase a sweater for his mommy. (Yeah it doesn't really rhyme, deal.)

no more.

hah.

Despite being in debt 20 grand or so I still managed to get my family some HOT STUFF. We haven't opened gifts yet, as I only just awoke but a few minutes ago - but I do have this wonderful tale to tell.

My mom gave me one gift already - a new pair of headphones. They rule. But it was her second attempt as she originally got me a HEADSET with a microphone that telemarketers use. OH MOM, WHAT ARE YOU UP TO NOW!? She was so confused. hah.

love it.

Now I must open gifts and then I'll be carried off to mississauga where I shall be incarcerated for the day.

Until next time,

this is NANUK FROM THE NORTH signing off.

MERRY XXX-MAS HOMOS!

.FUCK 2004.

2004-12-24T06:34:09Z

"Perhaps my best years are gone but I wouldn't want them back, not
with the fire in me now" - Beckett

As the year draws closer to an end all I can say is, FUCK SHIT FUCK. To be quite honest, this has been the most diverse and convoluted disaster of wonder and awe combined with a touch of death, a side of incredible, a drink of elation, and a plate of feces and livestock kinda year.

In retrospect it makes for quite the epic tale of one abnormal homo playing the game of life - win or lose, it's been HECTIC.

The Stever has managed to overcome a massacred heart - live through a summer of deprivation, malnutrition, and archaeological torture - Serious health issues, including substance abuse and an HIV scare - AND - make it to fourth year at U of T despite the many roadblocks including financial dire straits and illness.

GO TEAM STEVER!

Life. Perspective. Change.

This past summer pushed me to see beyond the individual fabricated living in the modern western world. The notion of the self has always been an interest of mine, hence my fascination with Nietzshe. right. STOP BEING A PRETENTIOUS HOMO.

Distancing myself from the things that ultimately define me left the Stever vulnerable - afraid - and alone. Who you are becomes an enigma, and you're left with nothing but questions. But it was this very notion of evaluation that fostered further development and self-exploration.

"An unexamined life is not worth living."
-- Socrates

Fucking right Socrates.
Living in Egypt taught me more about myself and life than I could have ever imagined. It impacted me in such a way that on certain days I stop and catch myself in bouts of depression wishing I were there again. There laying on the roof of our makeshift house with Lucas looking up at the stars and philosophizing. Hours of nothing but pure and unbridled conversation - no holds barred.

Although partly due to stockholm syndrome, the bonds I had made there were eternal. And these former strangers taught me that I am capable of change, that I am important...I know it sounds lamecore, but it's real. From the get go I came off (HAH I SAID CAME OFF - all over my face)as some prissy bitch who'd never survive death camp. However, I perservered and turned a fucking feces situation into an ongoing fiesta of third world wonder. I exposed myself to the realities and diversity of life - forever changed, yet entirely static.

I was enlightened by what I saw, what I lived in - a trapped people exemplifying what we lack in the land of money. Hospitality, generosity, strong familial ties, etc...And as touched as I was, to me it was both a positive experience and death camp at the same time. Anyhow, what I'm getting at is I became more understanding and less critical - BUT - remained very much the Stever with my so-called ZANY antics. Again, forever changed - entirely the same.

Coming home was very difficult for me, a transition I so desperately waited for, but at the same time dreaded. torn. confused.

And although I have been back in the homefront for several months, a part of me still resides overseas - in Paris and Egypt.

"Shedding one's skin. The snake that cannot shed its skin perishes. So do the spirits who are prevented from changing their opinions; they cease to be spirit." - Friedrich Nietzsche

Yarr ye fuckwads, I have heaps more to translate into words - BUT - alas it's getting late and I'm so over this typing thing.

OVER IT.

je t'aime.

Oi vey, I can be so lamecore/gaycore.

The Stever.

.3am and no feces in sight.

2004-08-06T07:38:31Z

I HAVE RETURNED TO THE LAND OF BEAVERS AND OBESITY!

Now I would have posted a proper body of words, however, I just sent this to Lucas and the ladies still in Egypt. It's late and there's no reason why this won't suffice.

EAT MY VAGINA.

*E-MAIL SUMMARY SENT*

*HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND*

It's been several days now and it's fully safe to say that coming home was the best thing ever. EVER. However, i must confess that once I got in that fateful cab I began to weep like the Germans when they had lost the war. Truly it was you people that kept the Stever in motion, motivation and salvation in the form of killer friends. YES, I AM GLORIFYING YOU HOMOS. For that bond I thank you, it meant more to me than you'll ever know.

JE T'AIME.

Now it's time to move away from the sentimental gaycoreness, to updates galore.

RIGHT - so it became apparent to me and Serena that we'd CLEARLY had enough of many of the people on that group flight. How's that you're all really annoying/I want to kill most of you thing working out for you Steve? HOLY FECES BATMAN. No examples needed, however, many voiced their opinions on my idea for leaving the prison-like airport and going into the city for the 8 hours...

"omg why would you bother, you only have 8 hours"
"If you guys get lost we'll be pissed"
"Why do you always have to leave the group" <- i LOVED that one
"You're not going to see anything anyhow"
"It's way too expensive"

How's that for a taste? DEATH TO THE GROUP.

Upon leaving them and getting on the metro, Serena and I felt relieved like you wouldn't believe...as soon as this nice french man helped us plan our day we knew we were so in the right. WE RULE THE SCHOOL.

First stop, Notre Dame du Paris...complete and utter awe...the dirty feces feeling melted away leaving two very awestruck people.

Next up was our walk by the Sais to the Blv. Saint Germain...so the faggot finally had his baguette at a quaint café on the blv. - HOT.

After the best meal ever we made our way on the metro to La Tour Eiffel...we spent over an hour laying down on the grass below her legs soaking up the subdued sunlight. I rolled around in the grass and touched myself repeatedly - tis' on film too.

We then wrote in our journals there, before the architectural masterpiece, and soaked the culture up onto the page.

Perfection.

We eventually make it back on the metro, the whole ride with the hottest guy ever who lives in Paris - born in Norway - and from New Jersey - he needed to stick it in...right...so, we get back to this:

"Omg, we were going to give you guys until 1:30pm, after that we'd have killed you" - Katherine

THANKS FOR THAT - I SEE YOU ALL HAD A PLEASANT DAY AT THE AIRPORT.

over it.

Toronto - I run to get my bags, I get mine first...SNAG = my small bag with the shoes is missing...people decide to wait with me...30 min later they leave, still no bag. I go and complain...eventually they find it for me, ripped apart the contents in a plastic bag...

LUCAS YOUR SHOES ARE SAFE.

Later that night Paige and I meet up, walk around the city, drink, coke, great conversation, she sleeps over...love it!

Sunday was spent SLEEPING from 6am until 9:45pm...then I went out with some mates and p a r t i e d in the house style.

Monday I went swimming/tanning at Sunnyside with Sasha my hairwoman...BE AWARE, she found a new job but I will no longer be modelling for her...however, I will get my hair cut for 8.50 instead of 70+ dollars still...go team. I enjoyed my pool time through yelling profanities (PENIS, VAGINA...) and pointing out the saggy body parts...

Tuesday was Bryan Jones day, I went to his new place...at first sight I fell in love all over again, tanned, dyed black hair, work clothing still on...our initial hug was golden, two homos reunited once more...each one grateful for the other. Conversation rules the night, I sleep over - cold, empty, alone in his bed...I forget I'm not his boyfriend, rather his best friend. hurt.

Wed. morning was different, I was totally okay with everything...we got breakfast and walked in the rain...Bryan under the umbrella while Steve whored himself to the water droplets.

That night I went to 5ive with Paige and Bryan...I walk in and I swear, all eyes on steve the homo. LOVE IT - NEED IT. Later, I spot this tall hot meshback hat wearing eccentric homo...steves ideal what? I leave Bryan and Paige and walk over to him...I begin with, "Dude, I've been gone so long..." and cut off around there with, "I know you, you're friends with my brother Adam" - followed by a large grin and a handshake/hug...his name = Jeremy. I've wanted Jeremy for years now...like rave days...but he was dating this other dude...

WELL

turns out while in death camp they broke up - OPERATION STICK IT IN = in full effect. I start with getting us a few drinks, then the talking...eventually he makes the Steve/Bryan connection and as it turns out, they know each other. Jeremy is friends with Bryans best friend Andrew...SEX DEGREES OF SEPARATION, I hate the gay scene. BOOOURNS. In any case, as time passes and more drinks are consumed Jeremy and I get closer *cough*.. ..we sit down at the back of the club, steve rubbing his back, holding hands, words being passed from mouth to ear.

Tongues twist.
Passions rise.
Come up for air.
Back in for the taste.

What a way to rejoin the sexually active/charged portion of the population! Too bad we had to cut it short due to his ex being near and his ride home...hah. In any case, we have a tentative date on Sunday - AGO here we come.

(OMITTED SECTION)

Fuck, this has been totally narcissistic...all me all the time.

In any case, I finally told Bryan all the remaining issues I've had with our relationship...asked all the questions that have been eating the Stever...I refused to take his feeble msn explanation and turned down his phone calls - I won't settle for anything less than an in person mudwrestling fiesta...

ENOUGH STEVE, ENOUGH!

I realize that you're on vacation and my epic self-absorbed e-mail might have been way much...DEAL WITH IT. :)

Fuck shit fuck.

I expect similar rants of wonder kids, DO IT.

BUT REALLY, know that you've been in my thoughts and conversations daily...I talk about you people as frequent as the diarrhea I had. I'm hoping that your trip has turned into an orgy of good times, and that you'll bring me back some of the orgy goodness.

GO TEAM HOTNESS SUPREME!

*high five*

The Stever

.Praise Allah, Death Camp U.S.A. is finally over.

2004-07-29T13:25:57Z

*MASS E-MAIL I JUST SENT OUT YOU GAY ASS FAIRY PRINCESSES OF WONDER*

THIRD REICH RULES.

We've been freed from our bonds - the war is over - no more concentration camp for the Stever - LIKE MY HAIR HAS STARTED TO GROW AGAIN.

GOODBYE NAZI ARCHEAOLOGICAL DIG OF THIRD WORLD FECAL MATTER AND FERAL CHILDREN.

*sigh*

A liberating air has overtaken the students still left standing or squatting over the toilet with diarrhea...

Like an unexpected thunderstorm on a hot midsummers evening, our TORTURED souls have been appeased by the figurative rainfall of encroaching freedom. YES, our stay in Dantes Inferno of Third World DEATH is finally over.

SO OVER IT, IT HURTS.

But it goes without saying that the last few days there were frightful to say the least. So here's a recap of the last few days spent in the HOT NEW SPOT WHERE EGYPTS RICH AND POWERFUL COME TO PLAY - the broken village of tell el-mashitla:

Saturday was bung as we spent it studying for the fast approaching examination...the only spot where the sun doesn't burn your everything is located in a makeshift school atop a pile of sand. HOORAY. Serena and I escaped everybody, because everyone was making me want to slit my wrists with ancient egyptian pottery, and stayed there all day. NO FECES. love it. But the best part was us fully hitch hiking tell el-masha'la style from the school to my house on A DONKEY CART. Yes, we payed a boy 50 piasters (11 cents) to take us there. OH MY VAGINA, WE FUCKING RULE. Just wait until the pictures get developed.

Sunday fucking blew water buffalo penis, like ultimate death championships. Of course things always come full circle and where would I be if the same weren't true concerning my illnesses thus far? It just WOULDN'T be the same leaving that feces fiesta without having another variation on my taste of death so far. It started with sharp jabbing pains in my intestines and stomach, which were joined with a delightful blackout session in my room alone where the Stever fell to the fly ridden floor and banged his head and his hip. GO TEAM. fear. SO - while dying in bed I made a shirt that says - DYING...d.c. u.s.a. - on the front and - MAKE THE DYING STOP ... PLEASE - with my signature on the back. HAH. best shirt ever. like so fucking good. NOW, Lucas is wearing it and plans to wear it in Paris as well while he backpacks. WERD.

Monday was the exam, by that time I had diarrhea approx. 18-20 times since Sunday afternoon, so having to sit on a stool writing a 2 hour exam on a fucking BOX in the sweltering heat surrounded by flies wasn't my idea of celebration like a bat mitzvah or something. WHATEVER. I hated the exam like I hated this so-called course. over it.

Tuesday we packed up supplies, which was supposed to take 3 days, in one morning and then it was the ever so anticipated course evaluation time - day of redemption what?. I wrote a 2 page letter to go with mine - keep in mind the most I've ever written was approx. a few lines. right. The whole class minus ONE SPECIFIC ASSHOLE KISS ASS FECES BUNG FACED FRAT FUCK ripped into the Ramperbeast and this whole sham of a dig. Too bad that's just the beginning, we're bringing down the dyke beast for good once we get home.

Wednesday we're told we LEAVE THE FECES FIESTA A DAY EARLY TO GO TO CAIRO FOR 2 DAYS AND STAY AT A HOTEL. holy fuck shit fuck. I've never packed so fast in my life...like you'd think the gestapo were after me. Too bad the day went by slower than a kid with downs syndrome on a bike.

Thursday - OMG THE ESCAPE WAS BRILLIANT. We had feral children chase our vans out of the village. EW. Goodbye death camp usa.

SO, right now I sit at the usual internet cafe with friends flanking me on both sides having a cafe latte...tonight is our last night together as a group so I've deciced we're all going to the Nile Hilton to fully attack the ONLY GAY BAR IN CAIRO. yes. I rule. I know.

I might send out one more mass e-mail tomorrow, but me and Secreama (serena) have plans to go to a fancy hotel and sit by the pool and tan our disease ridden asses off. WERD.

OH FUCK SHIT FUCK - mommy and other friends interested in coming to the airport to see the Stever and his flea infested crew arrive in Toronto - MY FLIGHT MIGHT BE DELAYED.

HERE'S THE INFO:

Flight number AF358
We depart France @ 1:55pm
We arrive in Toronto @ 4:15pm - SO NOT AT 1PM ANY LONGER...but you should check the flight info yourselves you lazy bastards.

SO pumped for the delay - we're taking the train to the city so that I, Steve Massa the faggot can have a baguette and a coffee at La Tour Eiffel. JEALOUS MUCH. You should be.

MOMMY - also, things I need:

-Anal sex
-Tequila
-Anal sex
-Sushi
-Try and make an appointment for me at Toni and Guy in Yorkville with Sasha for Sunday, if not that Saturday...I'll need it. TRUST ME. Tell them it's for Steve, Sashas friend...the one in Egypt right now.

That is all for now ;)

JE T'AIME.

Feces Away!

The Stever.

p.s. - I need a pedicure and manicure like Catholic priests need young boys.

.Goodbye Fecal Matter, Hello Obesity!

2004-07-29T12:31:30Z

*MASS E-MAIL SENT OUT LAST WEEK* werd bitches.

Date: Fri, 23 Jul 2004 14:23:06 +0000

7 DAYS AND THE GREAT ESCAPE IS ON BABY.

fuck shit fuck.

I swear I've totally been trapped inside the wardrobe that is tell el-maNARNIA, TIME IS DEATH.

But it's time for in retrospect corner with your host The Stever:

It's been six weeks and I can truthfully say that I've never felt closer to death on a daily basis in all my life. Even being on 34, 554 different narcotics (enough to kill an army of tell el-mashala children) all at once felt safer. Let me tally up the multiplicity of ailments the Stever has endured:

- feces everywhere
- feral children
- rabid dogs
- flies/fleas (in my bed)
- MALNOURISHMENT...like so bad it hurts, like all my non-essentials shut down for weeks - my hair STOPPED GROWING, my nails etc.... I swear it felt like I was in a concentration camp, only I payed several thousand dollars to die. DEATH CAMP USA.
- Sun stroke
- Heat exhaustion
- CHRONIC EXPLOSIVE DIARRHEA
- Not one, but TWO severe head colds, boogers and all
- An allergic reaction to allergy medicine forcing me to break out into hives that decided to BLEED. yup. love it.
- Insomnia
- Over-exertion
- Several fainting spells
- Psychotic staff members threating and abusing us daily

GOOD TIMES ALL AROUND.

However, despite all the death, decay, and destruction ( the three d's), it's been one long and hectic trip of wonder and awe. I've made some killer friends and we're all like fucking family. On the other side of that coin, some of the people here are making me want to slit my wrists with pottery and bladelettes...omg, like death, death, and more death.

I can't wait to never EVER see some of these people again.

Ew and this one dude, who shall remain nameless for now, he = BUNG FACED FECES MOLE MAN OF WONDER. He's the biggest kiss-ass bitch cunt who tells on group members and talks shit about them to aid in augmenting his own grade.

Too bad you're the FOULEST MOST HAGGARD MAN ALIVE.

Fear of living with him and the giant mole on his nose. BUNG FACE AWAY!

RIGHT.

Anywhore, I'm in Cairo for the day and let me tell you it fucking rocked. We opted out of sight-seeing this time to do what the fuck we wanted...most people did gross things like shopping at the dirty bazzar or going to Coptic Cairo - yeah we have churches back home, no thanks - but no thanks. How about Lucas, Serena, and I rocked it proper and had breakfast at the Hilton, stole food, snuck by the pool and finally got kicked out, went shopping at the expensive white people malls and bought really fucking awesone tacky shit - way to spend like 350 pounds. Hah.

Serena = my new shopping partner in crime. we fucking rule the school.

Hah, Lucas had explosive diarrhea all day and at one point after eating chinese food he made me put my ear against the stall door to have him serenade me with his ass. ALL FECES ALL THE TIME.

Yes Paige, this is the Lucas I'm setting you up with.

My quote of the day: "I love the fact that there are white people here" - holy racist ethinocentric batman. Don't get me wrong, I'm still as enlightened as ever . .. I'm just tired of being harassed by locals, having shit thrown at me, and living in the slanty shanty that is my third world village home. The only thing that keeps my sanity are my mates.

GO TEAM SURVIVOR.

Survivor Tell el-Mashitla.

So, we recently got 50% of our grades in from our portfolio and you'd think that after all the SHIT we've been through we'd all be getting killer grades and treated as adults. HAH. Right. Instead some people were shafted with 60's!!! WTF?

I swear ramperbeast needs to die.

HEAPS ON HER.

I know it's unfair, but I managed to pull off an 80% so far. However, I'm still completely and utterly disgusted with the situation...RAMPERBEAST IS THE DEVIL. Fuck, our exam in on Monday and I'm like going to die.

And then, WE LEAVE FRIDAY MORNING NEVER TO RETURN!

I so thought I'd have either come home by now or end up dead from any one of the aforementioned death-like ailments. However, as my mommy said - I rule for having perservered and kept it together throughout the most trying experience of my life.

Experience.

It's all about the journey from innocence to experience, and let me tell you...what a fucking experience it was. Although at times I've wanted for nothing more than to come home to all of you, the people I love...the people who give me comfort and heaps of other killer shit...

I meditate on the roof at night, staring up at the brightly lit canvas that is the night sky and reflect.

Breathe in.
Breathe out.

Life.

Subtle as a dagger at times she be, double sided even.

I've come to know many things about myself that had otherwise been left locked away in the vault within. Knowledge of the self. Expansion of the self...

These have all been wonderful and prosperous things...

But as soon as I get back, it's all about INDULGING THE SELF.

fucking shit fuck motherfuckers.

LIKE ALL OVER THE DANCE CAVE SATURDAY NIGHT...despite the fact I'll be dead to the world...and fucking psychoneurotic as shit.

LOVE IT.

Now, my friends it's time this jaded/enlightened homosexual busted it. It's all about getting REAL food to bring back to death camp...ah sustenance and nourishment...

NOTE: I love you all, my entourage of non-bung faced Torontonians...and you too Richard ;)

RICHARD I LOVE JEW AND I MUST APOLOGIZE FOR NOT SENDING YOU A PERSONALIZED E-MAIL. But it's apparent you're not actually reading them, otherwise you'd know that I live in a DEATH CAMP...yes, and it's very hard to send out a plethora of e-mails. I LOVE YOU ANYWAYS. Bring me back a hot naked british man. excellent. hah. *high five*

MOMMY, I'll try and call you sometime this week and shit, if not for sure on Friday...THE DAY OF LIBERATION IS UPON US!

BRYAN JONESTOWN MASSACRE, you best be preparing a welcome home "package" for the Stever...I'll need help adjusting to life without livestock, feces, and feral children.

PAIGE, all us all the time...like so much zany walks and martinis galore...platonic boyfriend what?

NICOLE P., yarr FIRE IN THE HOLE...yeah too bad I'm in it and on fire. Dude, I'll need moisture and lots of it. JE T'AIME. YOU AND PAIGE BETTER COME TO THE AIRPORT AND SEE MY DIRTY EGYPTIAN FECES ASSHOLE.

EVERYBODY ELSE, you're not as important for me to type out your name...yup.

JUST KIDDING.

RIGHT.

But I do expect you to buy me alcoholic beverages and get me drugs. YES DRUGS MOM. hah. just kidding. . .?

hahahaha. .. ha.. .. .aha. a ksahdflkasu

OMG SAVE ME.

MAKE THE DYING STOP.

over it.

Time to go.

SALAM ALEIKUM

STICK IT IN.

The Stever.

p.s. - I'll be checking my e-mail one last time on Friday before we leave, we have a hotel and the whole day in Cairo until our plane leaves @ 2am. SO E-MAIL ME BACK FUCKERS.

je t'aime.

Subject: .THE FINAL COUNTDOWN.

2004-07-23T14:27:00Z

Date: Fri, 16 Jul 2004 14:58:58 +0000

HOLY DIARRHEA BATMAN, I'm sitting here at the internet cafe in Cairo on our day off and I am certain that when I get up I'll explode all over the seat cushion.

EXPLOSIONS GALORE.

So it's nearing the end of week 5 here in the land of Pyramids (Today we went to Dashur and saw the bent and red pyramids, I also had TOFU IN AN AUTHENTIC KOREAN RESTAURANT) what has Steve learned?

More than he had ever expected...

It was the words of a loved one that spurred a shining light on my whole experience thus far, all the drama and fecal matter. My revelations all seem to have come during one of the hardest weeks on the Stever thus far...

Having to come back to tell el-mashitla from the garden of eden that is Alex. was hard enough, but to have 5 members of the team LEAVE due to the circumstances of DEATH that are this trip/excavation...FUCK SHIT FUCK

KILL THE RAMPERBEAST.

3 STAFF members, yes staff, and 3 students have left already...this is unheard of @ U of T...that's how bad we've had it. But to see people I've come to grow with and love just take off and leave the group, well it was a shock to my system and that of the group.

Unity.

The Key.

But it was at that point, when one of the leaders leaving came to me crying over how she felt so taken aback with her decision to leave the group and how uncharacteristic it was of her, that it sunk in...

the impermanence that is the lives we've created for ourselves.

Her situation spoke to me and those leaving and enforced the reasons why I was there and led the Stever into quite the whirlwind of thought.

Life is change, movement is change, movement is life.

To reside in a shell of the self avoiding change is foolish and naive at its best...

How have I changed?

In ways many won't understand or see, but it's grand my friends...grand.

The 5 leaving sat me down and discussed what I had just brought up, and I was enlightened to my changing face. It wasn't apparent to me, but to them clear as crystal that I, Steve Massa, had undergone growth of unparalleled proportions. They claimed that I had progressed to a new "state of being" and for that, I was one of the strongest people on this trip of so-called death.

And with this newfound perspective on myself, I finally felt release...I'm still unsure of the exact nature, non-sexual of course as there is no release here that isn't self-induced (hah), however, it's force quite strong.

...

time is ticking my friends and I must rush as my bowels will release themselves and unleash the demons within...

Thursday was the best day ever:

Last day digging on site before moving to do a survey of a new site, ...I was appointed supervisor of the trench watching over the excavation that day...

and what a day it was, while a group uncovered a burial, I made discoveries Ö plenty...a giant grounstone, blades, bladelettes, near whole pots etc...

the most fruitful day yet...

GO TEAM GAYCORE!

After a satisfying day in the field I decide to go for a walk with Sara and Vicky...we explore the village and run into the fellow who runs the only phone (well almost the only phone) in the village. He calls us over and we decide to join him, although against the rules...

we all know what the Stever is like with rules.

He ends up showing us around and introducing us to his friends and family...he shows us his house and it hits me...

had this been 4 weeks earlier, I'd have shuddered at fraternizing with the locals and scoffed at his "house". There I was admiring his hospitality and the pride conveyed in the showing of his home. He then took us to his friends home (WE'D BE SENT HOME FOR THIS) and we sat with them, smoked shisha and drank shi tea. The conversation was stale due to the language barrier, but we all conveyed our hatred of the ramperbeast quite clearly...light-headed from the smoke pillowing in the room.

He invited us and some of our friends over on Sunday...

who knows what shall transpire, but all I know is that it totally turned me around 180 styles - abnoxious arrogant ignorant westerner no more...

I finally saw why they hated us, for being so rude and so disrepectful of their charity...

They have so little, and yet give us so much.

WE SUCK DONKEY PENIS - also, for those who don't know donkey penis' are fucking huge, like 20 inches I swear to allah in the sky.

In any case, my experienced here are becoming more profound by the day and my friendships here are blossoming into homoriffic bonds indeed...

SO to make room here's the list of the old friends being demoted to make room for the new ones:

Paige
Assley
Nicole
Richard
Jess
Marc. . ..

JUST KIDDING

FUCK I'M GOING TO BLOW.

Time is up faggots.

Diarrhea forever.

LOVE FROM RUSSIA.

The Stever.

P.s. - how's that shitty bung weather thing working out for you Toronto? HAH. It's been 45-55 where I live...and 12/18 at night without a cloud in the sky. ENJOY. Too bad I'm filthy and feces encrusted. OVER IT.

.Salt Air and Sandy Assholes.

2004-07-11T07:48:39Z

SAVE ME - today is the day of death, we leave Alex and return to death camp...all feces all the time - here's my last e-mail...fuck knows when I'll get to send another one again... ALLAH OH AGHBAR.

Dudes, I forgot to mention that on my first night here when we snuck into the private beach after hours, that I let the pounding waves roll into my ass - enjoying the rush.

HAH.

The most action I've got this entire trip if death and wonder.

Alas, this e-mail will be abrupt as I have but a few hours before death comes knocking and swept away we shall be to DEATH CAMP USA - Tell e-magarbage. Me and the ladies went down for the breakfast buffet and ate as though it were our last meal.

THE LAST BREAKFAST.

The air around the group is of a depressing nature, once someone breaks and the tears begin to flow - we'll all become gay ass homo fairies. :/

Alexandria was a dreamscape of sight and sounds soothing to the beating heart of a restless and lonely homo. Not lonely for lack of GREAT FUCKING COMPANY, my friends rule...

being the token gay guy is starting to take it's toll.

It's gorgeous out today, approx. 34 degrees and sunny...I'll be hitting up the sea one last time before swept away kicking and screaming profanities like no other...

omg, so yesterday was hectic but all-too enjoyable...spent the morning with my crew and while lost, ended up finding the best restaurant EVER. We were dying for sustenance, no food in sight...then the newly emaciated Stever sees a man with a fork through stained glass...YES PUTTING FOOD INTO HIS MOUTH. We go in - HEAVEN.

I've never had a meal so satisfying, amazing what residing in feces and feral chilldren will do to a man.

Later Sarah and I went to the Greco-Roman Museum where we met Americans who heard the story of 18 students living in garbage - they were amazed that someone could "cuss" so much - and proceeded to take our pictiure, then to Pompeis Pillar, then to the Catacombs (holy fucking eery...too bad I layed myself down in one of the tombs and played dead)...I snuck a few pics inside, so illegal...like GET SHOT FOR IT. I rule. Then I took a picture making out/humping a statue of Hathor the gioddess of sex and love. Finally , we hit up the Bibliotheque Alexandria...newly built...the nicest thing ever. ORGASM IN ARCHITECTURE. Go look it up online - so hot.

Just like me in my killer tan.

EAT YOUR FECES OUT PEOPLE.

The wheels are turning and this heart-shaped boy brimming with emotion must leave you all for the sea - she's calling for me.

I'll be able to check my e-mail on Friday next week.

E-MAIL ME FUCKERS.

It's the greatest comfort in the world to hear from you people...

I'M DYING HERE.

loving it.

BUT DYING.

So let the good times roll and find me nice boys to have frotuitous gay bum sex with *sorry mommy* when I return. ;) HAH.

so horny.
so deprived.

If you could see where I lived you'd understand why I shudder at the thought of masturbating all the time.

SO.

I am out like a dead body dug up from the gound by amateur Egyptologists/Archaeologists only to have his remains wrapped in tin foil and turn to dust.

Just remember, I'M DYING.

You're not.

I HATE YOU.

just kidding.. .. .

I'm in Egypt - you're not.

I LOVE JEW ALL.

Now get in the oven.

Your favourite globetrotting homosexual -

THE STEVER.

Now it's time to hit the beach for my last few hours and smoke shisha while tanning my gaycore asshole. SO MUCH HOTNESS.

over it.

.EGYPT FIESTA IN ALEXANDRIA.

2004-07-09T10:16:00Z

*group e-mail I just sent out - SO MUCH GOODNESS AND FECAL MATTER*

AH SALEM.

Holy fucking shit fuck fuck all of you would have kittens and an embalism if you could see the view I have from my room in the 5-star beach front hotel we're staying in here in ALEXANDRIA.

We have made our escape.

Our three day vacation - so fucking essential

I turn to my right sitting here in this internet cafe and look onto the botanical gardens and a castle...

How's that CN Tower working out for you? (Unless in other various cities with other assorted views, mine = better, even still)

Holy feces batman, where to start...

We the people, meaning the student body and 3 other staff members have been enduring pure and utter hell, like so Dantes Inferno it hurts. Our so-called dig director is the devil...she is a short fat binder leprechaun who only wants her pot of gold at the end of her tell el-mashit-hole rainbow. (we live in tell el mashala just so you get that joke - save me). I named her Ramperbeast, her name being prof. Rampersad, and it's now all the rage.
Rage.

holy fucking rage.

I've never seen a group of people be so severly treated within a professional atmophere in my life, we've been dying and she works us until we have sun stroke.

WHAT'S THAT STEVE? YOU HAD SUN STROKE AND A FEVER OF OVER A 100 IN A FECES VILLAGE THAT'S APPROX. 45 - 55 DEGREES CECLCIUS?

yes.

so much dying.

If that isn't enough, because why would it be really, I mean so what that I reside in a village built on burning garbage, livestock, feces, rabid dogs, and feral children? Sun stroke and daily heat exhaustion adds some FLAVOUR to the whole fiasco. I surely do enjoy dying underneath a mosquito net sweating myself into oblivion on my flea ridden so-called mattress. OH THE JOYS OF THIRD WORLD LIVING.

Once again may I remind all of you of all the bountiful pictures I'll be bringing back with me, along with a plethora of dieseases, including leprosy...not to mention fleas...oh the fleas...fuck being the gay scorpion king, I am LORD OF THE FLEAS AND FLIES, really - flies everywhere...I find myself swatting away at nothing as I sit here. I'm going to need years of therapy or heaps of drugs when I get back to deal with the heaps of complexes I've developed.

HAH.

So you might be wondering, is there anything slightly archaeological about the archaeological dig you're on Steve, other than all the drama and donkey feces you've been enduring? Good question. Although Ramperbeasts methods are highly unorthodox, (i.e. - using a shovel to remove a human skull, instead of test pitting she gets on all fours and digs like the dog she is...etc...) I have been learning a tremendous amount and the experience itself can at times be incredibly overwhelming.
Apparently within the first few weeks of actual troweling and excavating features, my mate Christine and I were made supervisors of our trench...

since then I've excavated TWO burials, one extended and the other flexed (Fetal), and uncovered a cooking area along with a number of special finds. Special finds are any whole pots or lithics (blades)....

I AM INDIANA JONES.

OMG, the outfits I have on though...I made one shirt that said 'I Heart Tell el-Mashala' and got the group t sign it. KILLER. And one that said GHETTO across the chest with a lightning bolt down the middle. I had that one on what excavating the first burial...so much pictures of me with my camo pants, that shirt, and my meshback on WHILE LAYING BESIDE THE BODY, HUGGING THE SKELETON, AND SO ON...so how's that being dead thing working out for you?

Honestly, despite the fucking death camp aspect of it all - I'm being tossed and turned in one of the most interesting and thrilling experiences of my life. I am completely enthralled with being here - daily I embrace the fact that I am one of the only 18 (no longer 19, one girl got so sick she had to go home) students digging in Egypt this summer. For as you know, it's illegal for students to be digging...wait you didn't? NOR DID WE. We have to lie and say we're all graduates. hah. so much of this dig is a sham.... ...HOWEVER, like dudes, I'm a fucking Egyptologist/Archaeologist now with my experience...I've also been drawing lithics and goundstones, and turns out I'm one of the best and have been doing a lot of the technical drawings for the site. GO TEAM STEVE.

Fuck man, I love my new entourage, my new friends are killer and a few really fucking hot...Paige I have a hot boy for you, and Richard, a hot chick for you. I am the pimp of tell el-magarbage.

We continue to bond daily and especially on our days off:

Giza - the pyramids, although I've seen them before, sent me off on a natural euphoric high, as I already told Bryan, the whole experience was s surrel and spiritual for me. To re-examine what I've seen in textbooks in person, after my years of studying...fuck shit fuck. Yes - I am a big gay homo fairy.

As Khafre is my favourite king, I spent some time alone in his morturary temple looking up at his pyramid (the one with the limestone casing still visible at the apex) with the sun directly overhead...I sat there cross-legged meditating with the breeze blowing my shirt into a frenzy...

Perfection.

OMG, we rode camels into the desert and up to the sphinx at sunset, and Christine sat in front of me on our camel, appropriately named the C.T. Cruiser, CAMELTOE CRUISER...I rode that bitch proper styles...the camel too. JE SUIS SO LAMECORE IT HURTS.

Saqqara - So we went to the Step Pyramid complex...HOLY FUCKING WET DREAM. Seeing the first pyramid ever built...I sat in front and listened to Pyramid song By Radiohead. Fuck dudes, we payed off this dude to open certain tombs closed to the public, firstly the Manicurists...this to me was the hly grail of all tombs...it is the only tomb detailed with "homosexual" images of males being sensual...to see the reliefs I've used in essays in person...

GAYCORE. literally.

Then, me and 3 others payed off an ARMED SOLDIER to have us let into the first tmb built for Horemheb, the one when he was a general (yes, geek talk supreme). Point is, if caught we'd have been shot as it's under excavation again and closed to the public. He took us around all in awe and really fucking camera happy.

LIKE JAPANESE TOURIST YES.

Omg the bung faced tourists everywhere, I heckle heaps...LOVE IT.

Dudes, I have so many stories to tell...but I've been here for like over an hour and it's almost 1pm...

WAIT.

Last night.

We arrived in Alexandria, I showered in HOT WATER THAT DIDN'T HAVE BUGS IN IT IN A BATHROOM WITHOUT FLIES AND FECES COMING OUT OF EVERYWHERE. OMG, and a toilet with a seat and one that actually flushes...it took 2 consecutive showers to clean the dirt off. Then we had dinner by the pool and then ...

I FINALLY SWAM IN THE MED. SEA. It was around midnight and the private beach was closed, but b/c we were canadians the security guard let a few of us in...

2 hours of salt water...dudes, it was like microdermabrasion for my whole body...goodbye feces skin!

I never want to leave.

ever.

Later we went to the hotel bar, tequila and I got re-acquainted and Steve got shitfaced. I danced with some random arab chick then my mate Serena and I snuck into the pool and went SKINNY DIPPING...too bad we got caught by the security guard. HAH. WE FUCKING RULE THE SCHOOL.

Oh the chaotic good times be a flowing.

so much carpel tunnel syndrome frm typing again after 3 weeks...

YO FUCKERS WHO HAVEN'T WRITTEN ME ANYTHING, do so.

we love you.

SEND YOUR LOVE DOWN THE WELL.

*cough* Paige, Assley, Nicole P., etc... *cough*

I'll try and call a few of your lamecore asses while still here in the land of luxury.

And also, Andy who is sitting behind me now and asking what I'm writing, actually let him tell you:

Andy: Hello all, you are probably thinking, who is this fucker? But, its nothing to worry about... Im not mental or anything, so don't be afraid.... welll, as the journey is going... steve probably all told you about the heaven we are now in in Alex... Let me tell you.... we are all happier than a tell el masha'la fly in shit.... this place is paradise!!! We are all great, especially Steve... Steve is the best homolicious male I have ever met!! We are great bed partners and the odd couple all rolled in one!! He has taught me many wonderful ways of the gay male! Before Steve, I only had the stories of man hating dykes, but now, I know all about the Wonderful world of faggots! I have found out that as foxy black momma's say: "Girl... and Sister... and what's her problem?" and gay men say: "Girl and Sister, and What's her problem?".... Makes you think! (Kids in the Hall quote). Also, I learned that there is no need to fuss over a few extra s'es. hahahahaha! Steve is doing great though! Sometimes late at night, I mistake Steve for my 5'4 Japanese girl friend (yes, tell el ma-shit-la will do that to you) and try to snuggle with him, but he puts me to my place upon my lonely matress mountain (JUst so you have an idea... our flea and dirt ridden matress is the equivalent to a giant sleeping on Blue Mountain). Anyways, I will relieve you of my mindless babble and give you back to Steve... It was nice to talk to you and maybe one day you will be able to put a face to this dorky message and we can share diseases! Anyways, bye for now and Keep on Rockin in the Free World! ..... Hi Steve's mom!!... I have heard so many cool things about u!

Ps. I am the other dude that gave props to Rameses II!

L8s

Andy

SO WE FUCKING RULE.

so much beachness to come...

ALL OVER YOUR FACE AND MY FACE.

Marina sitting beside me just said she had some explosive diarrhea moments just now.

OH THE HUMANITY.

SO OVER IT.

I LOVE JEW ALL.

now get in the oven.

WRITE ME FUCKERS.

The Stever and all his newly feral friends.

.so much death camp usa.

2004-07-09T08:33:27Z

DUDES - this is the e-mail I sent out June 18th, thr last time I got to use the internet...I'll post later for the Stever is ROCKING IT IN ALEXANDRIA...we're on our three day vacation in a 5 star hotel - i got plastered last night on tequila and snuck into the pool with my mate Serena and skinny dipped.

we rule.

read on.

I post later.

Subject: .World Vision.
Date: Fri, 18 Jun 2004 15:26:25 +0000

Next time you're watching television and you see one of those world vision commercials, look in the background for my friends and I waving amongst the teary-eyed starving children with Sally Struthers. Dudes, the past few days have been traumatic to say the least...

IF ANY OF YOU EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT ANYTHING FROM THE WESTERN WORLD, I WILL SLIT YOUR WRISTS WITH TELL-EL MASHALA GARBAGE.

So, what's the deal Steve? Still having a good time? Fuck yeah, but the words I have to confess to all of you, the mess I've been and the fucking traumatic shock of what we have been through in the past few days. Allow me to elaborate:

Our first day here we were shown what feces we would be living in - wooden planks, no running water, feces EVERWHERE, (feces away!), garbage (always burning because that's the way of the world vision people of tell el magarbage), HUTS WITH HOLES IN THE CEILING, flea ridden beds (the few there were)...the fucking list goes on my bastard friends with nice showers and AC.

In any case, there I was in my so-called room blowing up an air mattress completely hysterical with fear and anxiety...I fainted. Then I awoke to an explosion of emotions that sent some of the huts to the ground hopefully burying the bung faced locals with their feces children. I threw the mattress into the air, broke my fan, tore up a flea ridden pillow then sent myself to the land of the pitty-party. I cried for almost an hour and finally pulled myself together, released myself from my musty cell and joined the group all emotional basketcases.

We were being ripped the fuck off nobody was going to stand for it, first thing's first - food. Apparently we were being told that we'd be eating the next day...so how's that no food for a day in hell thing working out for you Steve? The group fucking pulled a mission and bought our own food from the only store in the "village" we could find. BREAD STICKS AND PEANUT BUTTER. werd.

Eventually, things settled and we were moved to something that actually resembled a house, well at least by their standards. However, once settled in and with my mates...the tears and torment turned to laughter and mayhem. We went around taking pictures of the disaster area now known to me as my home for the next month and a half. Those pictures will be golden. Like so fucking funny.

Like fuck, I'd take that seethy hotel over this fucking concentration camp/post apocalyptic wasteland anytime. As everybody is now quoting me, "We went from the fucking Palais Royale to Death Camp USA".

I'm starting to adjust to the living conditions though, too bad our bathtub still has RAT FECES FLOATING IN IT. OMG on one side we have the 'donkey hilton' housing several FINE donkeys and right beside our room (Lucas, Andy, and I) is a Donkey and a Water Buffalo...the donkey we named, well donkey and the water buffalo, which we thought was male was called tom arnold, now we know it's female, so the logical thing to do was name her Roseanne.

If only I could translate the insanity of this whole experience into this e-mail...fuck, the pictures will help when I get home and infect you all with my slew of diseases.

Anyhow, the village is a mix of really nice locals and fucking bastard inbred children...my comments here are golden dudes, people have been taking my quotes down and making a book...what was once tragedy has now been turned into tuneful chaos...the laughter is frantic and incessant...I'm everybody's favourite here...hah ME THE POPULAR KID, only because I make everybody laugh...

without laughter, I wouldn't have made it thus far...along with awesome company...this is unheard of, having a group this size on a dig where almost everybody gets along...KILLER.

I've been getting homesick though, it's only natural...

But there always seems to be something or someone that redeems the situation making it all worthwhile...

Yesterday was fucking insane, the morning (6am on site) was something out of a movie...watching the sunrise over the site...finally having our first lesson out in the field...then it hit me...

when you're riding in a chevy and you're feeling something heavy...

YAY TELL EL MASHALA FOR MAKING ME DIE TEN TIMES OVER. I almost fainted, I dry heaved twice then choked on my own bile and passed out against a mudbrick wall. Then the vomiting and then the DIARREA. GO TEAM FECES!

I recovered and now I'm at the top of my game sitting here at Menstration, I mean Mensura, which is New York compared to where we're staying 50km away...

Oh right, today - we finally dug deeper into the trenches on site and I rocked it proper baby. I was working with the local hired men wheel-barrowing in the desert sun. Dudes, I'm so fucking black already -

For Nico - CAUSE' I'M BLACK YALL, I'M BLACK YALL, I'M BLACKER THAN BLACK I'M BLACK YALL.

I kept running with the wheelbarrow and yelling alalalalalalalala and then my friend Andy called me Malikah to all the workers, which means Queen. bahahahaha. And then, this one worker walked up to me and gave me the eye...like fuck me eyes so bad...

umm how about no thanks, but no thanks - you roll in feces.

And also, they said I sounded like OSAMA BIN LADEN...I dropped my whellbarrow and fell to the ground with laughter...I'm so getting shot, yeah because we have like armed guards with us. SO MUCH FEAR.

Oh right, another delightful aspect of tell el nazi death camp, the children are fucking vermon. I made the best comment last night: "These fucking arabic children are like piegons without wings"...they throw rocks at us and heckle us with the SAME FUCKING SAYINGS EVERY DAY...like not just a few kids, like half the village full..."Hallo, How are you, What's your name?" ...so while walking by a group of them I was so nice and repeated their saying and finished it with YOU SHOULD HAVE ALL BEEN ABORTED.

hah.

fuck shit fuck.

OMG NO THEY'RE TAKING ME AWAY BACK TO THE DEATH CAMP... hah, it's getting better daily, I have my friends and we're all in this together.

Talk about your eye-opening experiences.

Well, I've left out heaps - but when I get back you'll get to see it all in LIVING COLOUR. Like so many fucking pictures.

By the way, my friends here are better than all of you. JUST KIDDING.

well no.

really.

JE T'AIME FROM DEATH CAMP USA.

and remember, for the price of a cup of coffee you can feed these starving rich north american children. hahaha.

MOMMY DEAREST I ADORE YOU AND DON'T WORRY, I'M A OKAY NOW AND ALL THINGS ARE RUNNING AS SMOOTHLY AS MY DIARREA WAS. ;)

I love you all.

Especially you people that I'm forced into relations with, like my family :P

As much as I suffered, please don't freak out any of you, I'm doing well and the time away is just what I needed.

I really have to go.

LOVE YOU ALL.

and write me back fuckers.

over and out.

*high fucking five*

BOMBS OVER EGYPT

2004-06-14T08:43:41Z

THE E-MAIL I JUST SENT OUT - werd

*high five* to all you homos, and to you Mommy dearest. ;)

Further into the rabbit hole I go...and the deeper I am the more I ADORE it. It's been several days now and we're still in Cairo. Why? Because on the flight over this chick in our group fled the scene and delayed our whole trip. hah. The stewardess was feaked out and ran to where she was sitting and tore the seat apart. I, being the great man I am, inquired "What are you looking for a bomb or a box cutter?". I think we all know how that turned out, she gave me a Parisian lap dance. No.In fact,her french ass freaked. LOVE IT. Now it's a big running joke with the group.

AH the group.

We rule this place. DOMINATION.

Surprisingly, everyone thinks I'm fucking funny. The stories...it's a shame I can't translate them all from memory well enough to force boogers out of your noses with laughter.

Anywhore, here's a summary of the HECTIC shit we've been putting ur noses in:

Saturday: explored the waterfront and went on a boat cruise down the Nile...ummm turns out all the men were BIG FLAMMING HOMOS. They were dancing and trying to seduce me with their hips and lips. SO MUCH FEAR. love it. Oh, and we went to the Hilton, no Paris though, but the place is fucking hot shit.

Sunday: The Cairo Museum...I fell in love. Like pure masturbation dudes. Best thing ever...in the mummy room...which by the way almost brought me to tears...the majesty of the whole experience of being face to face with such power...simply electric. Anyhow, Ramses II,well his arm was raised up enough for me to GIVE PROPS TO THE MOST POWERFUL EGYPTIAN KING EVER. I rule.Then my mate Andy and I went on a props rampage. ONCE YOU POP THE FUN DON'T STOP.

After that we went to a market...holy fuck shit fuck. So intense and the locals are of two types: Way to fucking friendly or way to"I want to kill you Canadian parasites that we suspect are Americans in disguise due to your abnoxiousness". hah. For some reason, I'm the only one always getting approached by curious people. GOTTA LOVE ME. Dudes, I am king stever the haggler. I bought such cool shit including a PINK KING TUT SHIRT. I rule. But most importantly the views,the buildings, the awe inspiring nature of it all. I've tried to capture it all on film...but my memory will forever hold the secrets of what I've seen,done, will do.

Later that night we went to a light and sound show at ...THE GIZA PLATEAU. Seeing the Pyramids light up at night with a story being told, too bad it was French that night and I was the only one capable of making any sense of it. However, the story itself was irrelevent...to see the Sphinx come to life with the luscious backdrop of the Pyramids of Giza...to be honest, as fucking gay as that show was I did in fact cry at times...

LAMECORE ;)

I have so much more to say, but I'd rather you use your imaginaton and come to your own conclusions about what trouble I might be getting myself into, like a fight at the cairo museum with ignorant tourists TOUCHING THE STATUES AND ARTIFACTS. yeah, he wanted to hit me, but I think his blonde pony tail forced him into a memory lapse and by the time he remembered I was gone.

Alas I have bad news, I am told that this will be the last time I get to e-mail you fucks for several weeks now...we're off to death camp and will be ROUGHING it...no more seethy hotel I've fallen in love with.

I've made a lot of new friends and have already developed a newfound appreciation for ...well everything...same asshole, different perspective ;)

And now it's time for me to bust it, we're going to sit in a cafe by the nile and drink sugar cane. fuck yeah.

By the way, I SHAVED MY BEARD TODAY. Yes mom, your 12 year old son is back. I feel naked.

And so, the adventure continues...mischief and mayhem in a brand new bag baby.

Until next time, just know the streets smell like rotting yak flesh at times and the people drive like FUCKING MANIACS. No rules, just road rage. WERD.

Alice must return to her hole now, the white rabbit calls.

I love you all.

Maybe.

Your favourite storyteller homo,

THE ONE AND ONLY STEVER.

*high fives all around*

.La Fantasie et Réalité.

2004-06-10T08:53:44Z

I depart for Egypt in but two short days and as a result have developed into somewhat of a melodramatic homosexual emotional fuckwad. I'll begin with the bond my mother and I share. Over the years we've learned to use each other and build on our relationship in a very intimate mother son way. In the past few months I've come to realize that I mean more to her than I'll EVER come close to knowing. My mother has been through more drama than almost anyone I could ever name off myself. With that I deem her one of the stongest and most influential characters in my life. And as a result leaving her now, at a time when I feel as though she really needs me, well it hurts and has become one of the factors making the Stever wish he were staying in Toronto.

fuck shit fuck fairy ass jizz cum princess motherfucker

I don't go, I don't graduate, I don't receive my field experience, I don't evolve in my field and I miss out in an opportunity that only 19 students in North America get to indulge.

conflicted.

In this past half year I've melted away a few layers of hate around my heart and have allowed for love- despite all my former "tragedies".

For over a decade my brother and I failed to exist within the lives of one another, and now...we chat, we criticize, we bond. So gay - so true.

I've been so bitter and cold because of my own insecurities, and now I'm learning to take those hurtful experiences and utilize them in favour of fostering positive relations with those that truly count.

Now in recent time some might argue that Bryan Jones, the boy who opened my heart to honesty,trust,compassion, etc...after years of conflicted unresolved issues, well he allowed me the chance to love again. Now we've been separated (intimately) since the end of March, there's still an overpowering bond between the two of us. This is what keeps me from getting close to the many boys I've encountered along the way. Although, this boy Chris - adonis with a penis that made me want to hide, like so big. hah. And he said I was packing 'heat'. love it.

On the flipside there are the boys that slid past my defences and into my mouth and...hah

There were two.
Apparently I hurt them both.
I had no intention of playing the role of the fuckwad abuser boy. Getting what he wanted then setting sail.

Oh fuck I'm SUCH an asshole, but when it comes to boys I've let into my romantic life, the Stever is genuine and true.
Confused.

But true.

On another note, I quit my job at HMV - 7.5 years working in a record store - I'm so over it. I paid my dues, it's time I stepped on some necks and exposed the Stever!

I also got new Armani glasses, as opposed to the whole geek thick-framed thing I've done for a decade, I got these frames that bring out the mature hotness in me. Too bad I still rock them Steve styles, like today - shorts, studded belt, vintage nike air force ones, d&g t-shirt, slew of 'omg that's so last year' wristbands, and an ambiguous meshback hat. STEVE MASSA ROCKS IT ALL PROPER STYLES.

In all this change, going into my last year @ uni, going ot Egypt, etc...I got new ink. fuck yeah. My entire left leg from the kneww down to the ankle all done up. 3 hours in the chair just doing the outlines.

Cherry blossom tree incorporating the ankh in this hot way. I will be showing at a later date.

To think, here I am in my hammered state, typing as a 5 year old midget with downs syndrome might, about to embark on one fucking intense adventure. And to be honest, I don't think it could have come at a better time.

Sidenote - I never really think about how I influence others,but recently 2 people very close to me, both straight males, have confessed their love for me. Nothing lustful or sexually perverse, rather something pure and few and far between. Albeit one relation hath affected me more than the next. That relationship is between Bryan and I. Many of you out there have come to understand him as the so-called 'bad guy', and believe me I did too. But for some reason even while wanting to send him a letter bomb, a part of me understood. He loves me, that is true. But he cannot push forward without first letting go of the past, and that past would be the abnoxious vermon of an ex named Joe. Upon months of scrutiny I've come to classify Joe as the foulest of all homos, the ones that leech upon you and want only to 'mess you the fuck up'. So that when someone with nothing but love and care comes along, like my fine broken self, I'm left waiting to be let in.

It's different with B-man for many reasons, we've become best friends and on several drunken truth occassions been told how much I mean to him, he simply doesn't want to ruin what we have. Right. Cool. But why let someone else be intimate with you and not me, although you say you know you'll fuck me up? Is this other person you're seeing just a pawn in yout game of self-satisfaction?

I've played the self-satisfaction game these past few months and to be quite honest, those gay dudes sucked hardcore. Not anyone who reads this journal or anything, one boy in particular, for he rocked - it just wasn't right.

Ah, so many questions with no right or sensible answer, all I can make sense of is that I have KILLER FRIENDS who love my gaycore asshole.

They put up with my moods.
My habits.
My mistakes.
My rollercoaster emotions.
My pretentious self.
My self-involved stories.
My paranoia.
My insecurities.
ETC...

But most importantly as I leave for Egypt Friday, they must know that my love for them is as genuine and pure as the natural elements themselves - despite the fact that I might have a hard way of showing it sometimes.

I'M AN UBER HOMO, FAIRY PRINCESS, RAINBOW PARADE OF A FAGGOT.

LOVE ME FUCKER.

The Stever.

*seeing as how I'm loaded, there might be some adjustments tomorrow!*

ALLOW ME TO MOLEST YOUR FACE WITH THIS ROD!

2004-05-11T20:33:01Z

Your Homocidal Rampage! by crash_and_burn

Your name:

Weapon of Choice:

Napalm

Your Favorite Target:

Tourists

Your Kill Count:

842,951,552

Your Battle Cry:

"Allow me to molest your face with this rod!"

Years You Spend in Jail:

How Much Money In Damages You Cause:

$46,985,898,163,547

Your Homocidal Insanity Level:: 37%

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

Right, so my battle cry rules like NO other.

My life has been HECTIC like a motherfucker, updates to come...CUM ALL OVER YOUR FACES.

Je t'aime.

SORRY FOR THE NEGLECT YOU HOMOS.

The Stever.

Is Your Crotch Hungry Girl, Cause' It's Eating Your Pants?!

2004-05-08T16:41:21Z

On that note, the wonderful person who gave birth to me and I are going for manicures. YAY FOR GAY ASS BONDING!

I'm so homo.

OVER AND OUT.

The Stever.

.planning my escape.

2004-05-07T14:59:35Z

On Wednesday I attended an orientation meeting for my arch. dig in Egypt this upcoming summer. There I was, half an hour late working my ass through the door and to the back of the room where I would sit my homo self down.

Fear.

Fear of the 'I Wins' I'll be spending those long and sweaty seven weeks with.

With every topic discussed my heart would race, the adrenaline would rush and all the dramatic events of the past week would be swept away - kept at bay - leaving me for the first time in a while, happy.

Unfamiliar with many of the faces in the room, it turns out that there are several of my school chums also being shipped off to the Egyptian desert with the Stever. I feel bad for them because these people have NO idea what they're going to have to put up with when it comes to me. HAH. In any case, the only frightening thing about the other students is one girl named Sarah.

I met Sarah at Bryan's house a few months back, turns out she's friends with Sean, the mutual friend who told me about the boy Bryan was seeing without my knowledge.

SMALL GAY WORLD ISN'T IT? just shoot me.

And then one of the women leading the presentation brings up the issue of security. So we'll have a police escort the entire time we're there. Like in uniform with guns and all.

hah.

And then she says, "In the unlikely occurence of an attack on Egypt from ISRAEL we'll be taken out of the village and swept into safety...possibly even a bunker". So then Steve Massa starts to laugh. SO MUCH JEWISHNESS.

Omg we're going to be in a bunker like Hitler was while the Jews attack Egypt.

SO FUNNY.

Then the whole class turned around and gave me the "you're so fucked up" look. hah. love it.

In any case, the whole discussion overall forced this surreal sense of reality over my being. I'm really doing this dudes. HOLY JEWISH MOSQUE OF WONDER BATMAN!

Then the issue of rooms comes up, so turns out the boys sleep with the boys and so on. HAH. Three boys to a room. Too bad they're all fugly. Until I look at the pics of all the students in the back of the booklet we were given.

There he is, Lucas Melbye - the hottest guy ever and he's going on the trip. I fear for him if he gets put into a room with me.

I have this vision of me in Egypt having this gay desert affair with either Lucas or with some hot arab boy. AN ILLICIT GAY LOVE AFFAIR WITH SCORPIONS AND ALL.

So fucking killer.

Fuck, I have to get ready for work...and I have so much to spew still, yarrrrr me matey.

My life is in constant motion, there's always something a flurry when you're Steven Paul Robert Massa - SPERM, well SPRM.

JE T'AIME MES AMIS.

Until next time,

stick it in.

The Stever.

.Dandelions In Bullet Holes.

2004-05-04T17:35:00Z

"The rolling hills of past mistakes lie quiet under cloud"

4 days have past and after much bodily abuse, excessive indulgences, heavy thought, and the kind words of loved ones the Stever is feeling heaps better.

However, I know this is temporary as I sent him an e-mail last night with a poem and the request to seek out a face to face meeting in hopes of putting some unresolved issues to rest.

The questions: Why did it take you three weeks to tell me that you've been seeing someone else ONLY after I had asked, and quite frankly out of the blue...*coincidentally around the time he ended things with me, although continued to lead me on, unintentionally or not* Why did our mutual friend have to tell me that this 'other' is someone who works in the same building as I do, in fact he works in the store next to mine. And to make a bad situation worse, I see him daily and had at one time expressed an interest in the fellow(Who just so happens to be named Bryan as well, too bad he's an art student with no sense of style or personality - I WIN).

If only he had told me three weeks earlier, I'd have been OVER IT a lot sooner.

ANYWHORE, here's the gaycore poem:

Broken hearts
Hit concrete floors
Faced with the bitter cold
And the sound of sidewalk congestion

Happy faces
Old familiar places
And yet no comfort in this
Vintage and habitual routine

It came as a surprise
Opened my eyes
And now they're sealed
Wide - Shut

You held my hand
Helped me understand
That chance and coincidence still danced
And they'll dance once more
Reviving my soul - my core

This unrequited love so true.

Who knows what'll transpire when I see him, I could end up shitting all over him and setting him on fire, poking his eyes out, hitting him in the face with a brick, WHO REALLY KNOWS?!

In other news, I have my Egyptian orientation meeting tomorrow...umm FEAR of leaving in a month. Yes. A month.

I'll be in the desert working on a site that's over 6000 years old. WHAT THE FUCK? This is all too surreal. My life is way fucking dramatic. Love it.

In retrospect this weekend turned out to be fan-fucking-tastic. So much partying and spending time with my friends, and new friend like the ever so fabulous JOE/Y! However, I can't help but feel that I corrupted him, hah he knows the score. *high five*

Obladi Oblada Life Goes On...OMG CORKY! bahahaha

I LIKE CHICKEN!

That show made me laugh, in actuality I believe it's what triggered the "I Win" flare within.

One more thing - I'm getting old. SO OLD IT HURTS.

Speking of hurt, the gaping hole in my shoulder still hurts and it's all crusty and vomit-like. EW. And every so often it cracks in places I didn't think were capable of cracking.

BROKEN.

hah.

.END COMMUNICATION.

.It Was Like A Bomb That Kept Exploding.

2004-05-02T16:43:24Z

There's no hope for us. *Kaboom*
I'd fuck you up. *Kaboom*
We're too intense. *Kaboom*
I'm seeing someone else. *Kaboom*

And then in the silence, for the first time comfort with no words, the salty liquid trickled down one very sad boys face.

And all he could say was "I need to sleep", suggesting that I leave his bedroom and go home no less.

The fire within led me to the bathroom where I, like the bomb, exploded into a rolled up towel attempting not to force my fist through the wall or his face.

Bryan.

My dreams, my ideals, my notion of the perfect boyfriend in the form of a fleshy homo. A homo capable of leading me on, capable of hurting me on a whole other plain of hurt I had yet to acknowledge, capable of causing this inescapable burden I must rid myself of - love.

SIDE NOTE - the funny thing about this post, I was planning on writing about the ab fab things that have transpired in my life over the past two weeks, and instead it's 10:24am and I have no use for sleep...I sit at my desk and pour what's left of my heart into this post about him, thing, it, fuckwad.. . Bryan Jones.

SIDE NOTE #2 - Another 'funny thing' is that he essentially broke it off with me 3 weeks ago, however, led me to believe that there was hope, the belief instilled in me that chance and coincidence still danced in my favor...that I could hold the beautiful boy in my arms and call him mine once more.

Robbed.
Cheated.
Broken.
Beaten.

What is a list of 4 words that best describe Steve Massa right now?

The fading sound of rain travelling through the dark and dismal morning air always seems to find me in times like these...the weather - in tears - a sort of pathetic fallacy if I may. (For those who failed english: Pathetic fallacy = an expression that endows inanimate things with human feelings)

Holy fucking gay pretentiousness...ugh I want to die.

Right.

That ride home was pure and utter death having to hold in my emotions, at times breaking through the surface and forcing me into a minor flurry of tears. People have a hard time dealing with the visible signs of hurt displayed in strangers. Seeing some random person crying on the streetcar bursts the boundaries of our personal bubbles...one is inclined to see what's wrong...and can be read in their faces...and yet, they remain prisoners and only put forward a "concerned" look and a "caring" halfway smirk.

"L'enfère c'est les autres" - Sartre

Hell might be other people, but sometimes they can turn your death penalty into another chance at life. I'll get to that explanation in just a few minutes.

I arrived at home an hour later, my sadness had turned to anger aided by the ridiculuous amounts of time spent waiting for streetcars, subways, and buses. I blew up at my mother, who only wanted to help her crying son. Asshole.

I decided to indulge in ice cream and watching Freaks & Geeks, the best show to ever grace television land with its presence, while being the guest of honour at my very own pitty-party.

OH WOE IS ME.

Polyphonic ringtone. No answer. It's him.

Paraphrase: Hey Steve it's Bryan, I wanted to make sure you were okay. If you want to talk about anything, I'm here for you even if what you have to say are mean words and it's what you have to do. Once again I had an excellent time with you last night...

He produces more than those words, but you get the jizz of it...he then ends it with saying thank you to me...

No, no, Bryan Jones thank you. Thank you for this broken shell of my former self. Thank you for the bitter taste that lingers on these lips. Thank you for destroying what very little faith I had in the male homosexual population.

When he initially broke it off with me, I wrote two poems about how I felt...I'll post the second one, but the story behind it -

Bryan was detailing just how bitter he's been lately and how he was hurt by his ex and I've been making him happy. RIGHT. In any case, this is the poem inspired by his sorrowful tale:

Bitterness like a,
Dried up well within.
This holy lie,
Wearing thin.

While falling for you,
I fell too hard,
Too fast,
With no one to catch me...

But you, who claims bitterness,
Translated into every word you breathe,
You take it all,
My stumble, my fall,
And gasp for fresh air.

Am I just another bitter word for you to breathe?
You take me in,
Fertilizer for your soul,
And exhale me like Co2.

Hold your breath,
I'm denying you access to the wealth,
Instead you choke on -

Bitterness.

There's something very empowering about writing poetry, especially when it's as bitter as that one. And yet, I feel somewhat guilty for writing something fueled with anger and hurt...about someone I truly care for, dare I say it, even love.

I do, I love Bryan Jones in a way that transcends the conventional use of the word...not that it's at all a tangible known thing...whatever, it makes sense to me. I've connected with Bryan in a way that pales all other ralations I've had in years...and to think that I might have to close that chapter of my life for good is disturbing.

"It hurts", said the boy at his computer as he begins to cry once more.

Back to last night, I went to answer the phone and stumbled out of bed and fell into the corner of my desk stabbing my left shoulder and nearly dislocating it. This morning it's shades of blue and purple with dried blood scabbing over the top. My shoulder in pain, a reflection of my general self. All of this because of one boy.

My best friend Nicole, with the help of Laura and some other good friends (all of which I've known since I was 14),went out of her way to raise me from the dead and bring me to life. They took me to Velvet and threw money at me to get me h a m m e r e d. I danced like a dude who just got out of prison - meaning there wasn't a female ass that didn't get my clothed penis gyrating all over.

And then it broke.
Open the floodgates.
Hysterical.

It took a half hour and 4 ladies to calm my homo ass down. SO lamecore I know. I'm gay, get over it.

Several hours later, out in the streets of Toronto I meet up with the wild boy himself - JOE/Y.

The grande finale to my day of torture, wonder, and alcohol.

And what a finale it was...

Right.

The wealth of words inside me remain unsettled, I have much to say on a variety of topics, however, I shall remain silent for now...the fragility of my being requires rest.

Body.
Mind.
Soul.

Overwhelmed and entirely broken.

In pieces.

GET OVER IT STEVE.

SO OVER IT, IT HURTS.

The Stever.

.4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING.

2004-04-23T08:03:25Z

And Steve is watching Ab Fab season four while drinking goldshlagger ignoring the fact he works tomorrow from noon-6:30...and then his ZANY HOMO FUCKING PARTY WEEKEND BEGINS.

In celebration of his completion of third year at U of T...

fear of fourth year and fear of the desert in 50 degree celcius weather, sober, working 12 hours a day 6 days a week...no joke...for 7 weeks...

I'm so getting bitten by scorpions then becoming THE gay scorpion king.

right.

And also, what's with these butterflies...it's been eons since we've had these...

This weekend is going to be = HECTIC.

all me all the time

The Stever.

CHOKE ON A COCK.

.Tequila & An Empty Feeling.

2004-04-20T17:50:45Z

My life is so dramatic at times it makes me want to drop to the ground and break into convulsions.

HOWEVER, the Stever wouldn't be quite the boy we all know and ..er.... love? hate? DESPISE? without it. hah.

Last night was going to be a simple night out with some friends and Bryan @ Lava to see my friend Karen spin some dark electro. Then I make a call to Amber (we go way the fuck back to 1997 baby, RAVE ON)and plans change, worlds collide.

She says she has an extra ticket to see Muse, too bad they're blowing up here NOW only after six fucking years of Steve listening to his imported Muse cd's...

ANYWHORE, they're playing at the MOD club, which I HATE HATE HATE...how's that having an abusive ex employed there working out for you Steve? That's not the only reason...the people who go there make me want to gouge eyes...like go and ride your gay vespa into lake Ontario. THANKS FOR COMING OUT. Assholes.

Right, of course the MOD club won't let us in b/c we got free tickets and they were filled to capacity, although letting in people willing to pay the cover...I was SO FUCKING CLOSE to calling the fire dept. and claiming them to be over capacity.

hah.

Or calling in a bomb threat, either way I'd have been happy.

Regardless, Amber and our posse of two other dudes decide to go to Alto Basso.

1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, 4. .. .

IMAGE: Steve attacking pylons along college in a drunken state SLIPPING on mud and making an ass of himself.

I was laughing to hard I had boogers coming out of my nose, then Amber fell down - ALL FALLING ALL THE TIME.

We proceed to pick Bryan up from his house, which so happens to be five minutes away from where we were on College...

he's not ready so we go to Lava and have him meet us.

Okay so the bartender needed to stick it in...too bad Amber asked him out for me and he's happily committed.

WHY OH WHY CAN'T I FIND ONE FUCKING HOMO QUEER PANSY TO DO THE SAME FOR ME. cunts.

Well he takes a liking to me anyhow and gives us 5 dollar shots of tequila and then a pitcher of beer and 2 more shots for 20 dollars.

Then he walks in.

Long strides with that smirk on his face...priceless.

He hugs me and the warmth from my body transfers to his cold body - drained.

Him sitting beside me, legs touching, intimate yet platonic. Pain, like someone just cut open my juggular with a rusty ice pick. FUCK.

More drinks are had, we've lost count by now...oh did I mention I have to study for my exam, which is to be had tomorrow morning @ ten am? hah right.

Next up, Sneeky Dee's...nachos, alcohol, and HIS FORMER BOYFRIEND...kill me someone?

Bryan clams up and recoils slightly at the sight of him...thing, it...JOE. I HATE THAT PANSY ASS HOMO. He's the reason Bryan won't get close to me.

TAKES ONE BAD HOMO TO SPOIL THE BUNCH.

Bryan walks over to say hello, the polite thing to do...JOE IGNORES HIM WHILE HE STANDS THERE...

I failed to mention that this JOE character also came into my work to STALK ME...yes. To check out the "hmv boy" as I'm delightfully referred to.

It took my everything to restrain myself from walking over there, squatting on him, shitting, then setting him on fire.

Of course this sends Bryan into a mood, understandably so...

It's now 3am.

We leave the bar and go back to Bryan's place.

Eventually the crowd fades and it's just him and I...

I sleep over.
Both our bodies in the same bed, under the same sheets...skin barely touching, but enough to provoke thoughts based on memories of the intimacy once shared.

All night I would wake up hoping to find his arms around me once more.

Nothing.

There I was beside the boy I've fallen for, in his bed, and yet more alone and empty than I've been in a month.

This morning was slightly odd, thankfully his roommate Becky woke up and helped ease me into a safe place...

This weight within grows heavier daily...pretty soon it'll force me to the brink of extinction...unless something...

changes.

"I want you to want me, I want you to need me"

It's like Joey and her prof. on Dawson's Creek were discussing...we're constantly at war with our hearts and our ideals...

SOMEBODY SAVE ME.

please?

Ah but I can be such an idealistic naive fuckwad...and so I'll leave this entry with another D.'s C. quote:

"Keep fighting for your lost causes, you never know when your luck will change" - Jenn Lindley

OMG MY LIFE IS SO HOPELESSLY DAWSON'S CREEK.

I need to die now.

now.

FUCK SHIT FUCK.

over it...but I'm the farthest thing from it.

This fucking song says it all...

The world was on fire no-one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd loose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
With you
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

What a wicked game to play to make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do to let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say you never felt this way
What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you

And I wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you

The world was on fire no-one could save me but you
Strange what desire will make foolish people do
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I never dreamed that I'd loose somebody like you

No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't wanna fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
(this world is only gonna break your heart)
With you
(This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I…
(This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)

Nobody loves no-one

.hit me in the face with a brick.

2004-04-18T18:31:59Z

I have an essay due tomorrow, which I have yet to start.
I have an exam on Wednesday, which I have yet to study for.

This whole week has turned me into a neurotic psycho.

Rule #1: Boys of the world ain't nuttin' but trouble.

I spent 12 hours @ Bryan's place yesterday drinking and partying with him and then his friends.

Too bad I've been DEMOTED to friend.

That's right people, it's over.

over.

OVER IT.

It's a long convoluted tale of words and woe, of which I'd rather not discuss...just know that je suis triste.

But the longing I experienced yesterday, being with him...our pseudo intellectual conversations...our PLATONIC intimacy...

and then he read this beautiful poem...and I almost had to go to the bathroom, as I had been to collect my thoughts and try not to break the fuck down...the poem was about me...FUCK.

Everyone needs to get EBOLA. now.

I'm so BITTER today, like I want to vomit on happy people and set them on fire.

And possibly shit on them to SEAL THE DEAL.

Will somebody please slit my wrists with scantron cards?
hah.

ugh.

fuck shit fuck.

fin.

.I WANT SOME LISTERINE.

2004-04-10T08:01:02Z

HOLY FUCKING SHIT FUCK...

what a night...like, so memorable it hurts.

Alas, I'm too drunk to post now, I won't do it or my "dirty: work any justice.

Just beware the HABACHI...you never know...

bahahahah.

Paige and I rule.

CORBIN'S GAY.

bahahahahahaha.

Omg I can't stop laughing.

make the homo stop.

je t'aime.

The Stever.

8 Free Beers, 4 Martinis, and Several Shots Later...

2004-04-09T13:06:48Z

How's That HANGOVER Thing Working Out For You Steve? - Too Bad I woke Up To Watch Dawson's Creek WHILE STILL DRUNK.

I can't even type, like I'm laughing because I'm such a retard.

A retard cowboy some would say.

SO MUCH FUCKING FUN.

Oh the pictures and the debauchery.

fuck shit fuck.

Best thing ever, my friend Mike called, he's in London for school right now - I sent him this killer birthday e-mail and he called and left the ULTIMATE DRUNK/HIGH phone message.

When straight guys tell me they love me = fan-fucking-tastic.

Hah.

werd.

UGH...

Maybe someone finally hit me in the face with a brick, considering I've been asking for it for years now...

ALLAH OH AGHBAR

fear of hanging out with the guys at the bar last night and watching hockey, then going to a frat party, then going to Devil's Martini ON A RENTED BUS with the biggest crowd of "I WIN"'s ever...

and that makes me one too for being drunk enough to let that happen.

FREE BEER RULES.

kill me.

The Drunkness Stever.

.Guilty Pleasures.

2004-04-08T16:56:25Z

Is it wrong for me to feel no guilt as all my friends slave away to meet deadlines while I, Steve Massa, am at home enjoying the luxuries of extensions and exemptions for being in the hospital?

FUCK NO.

I get to watch all 2 HOURS worth of Dawson's Creek, give myself a facial, cover my feet in lotion, have breakfast in bed, make leisurely phone calls, and rock it like it's 1998 when Trance was good.

Next up - masturbation.

Then perhaps, I'll finally get to that essay for my North American archaeology class. .. .rrrrrrrrrrrrrright.

And now for something gayer:

Hah.

Love it.

Fear of the rave in my room right now, as if I'm even listening to Capital J "Bittersweet Symphony"...

Sometimes it's okay to ramble, fuck my whole life is one giant ramble, nonsensical in most cases...

ONE MORE PIC.

ALLAH OH AGBAR, oh the phone...yarr it be O'Sara Bin Laden...

and tonight = Devil's Martini, so much drinking and really tacky Steve pics.

Adieu.

CHOKE ON A COCK.

Je t'aime.